A Princess and His Prince
by FicletMistress
Summary: A sarcasmastic tale of a poor, mistreated princess and a poor, misunderstood prince. Are these woeful souls destined to meet? What could possibly happen? LeonCloud. And crack. The good kind for you. ;D


**Why hello there! FicletMistress has long since returned from Paraguay, and I'm sorry that I didn't submit this sooner. This story, was my entertainment as I flew for four hours to South Carolina. (Ten and a half more hours of travel followed.) It kept me well entertained, though I had to remain vigilant, otherwise the woman next to me would have thought me insane (I WAS laughing as I wrote this). **

**Disclaimer: I think if I owned Squeenix or Kingdom Hearts, the script would be just a little bit different, don't you think so?**

*clears throat* Eh heh hem...

_**A Princess and his Prince**_

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Cloud Strife. She was loved by the entire country, for her beauty and her kindness. However, there was one small quirk about the princess that should be known to you, dear reader, and it is my duty as the narrator to inform you. Lady Cloud was actually male. You see, the kingdom already had an heir: a strong, warm-hearted, and sometimes silly prince by the name of Zack. The royal family wanted no conflict from having two possible heirs to the throne, so they forced Cloud into a dress and into the life of a girl. He endured manner lessons, dancing lessons, embroidery lessons, and every conceivable class a princess would have to suffer through.

Cloud's parents remained oblivious (or possibly uncaring) to the "princess's" unhappiness, but Prince Zack did not. He taught his little brother sword fighting and horseback riding secretly, allowing poor Cloud to sample a taste of manhood. The prince did everything he could for his brother, but he knew it would never be enough. One day Cloud would reach his limit.

Cloud often times had to meet with suitors who had been entranced by either his beauty or his wealth. It was common that at least one or two came every week. While most parents would be proud, the king and queen bit their fingernails when no one was looking. They were relying on Cloud to turn everyone down - which he did consistently - but they feared that one day he would grow tired of this and accept one; or worse, point out the reason why he wasn't going to marry another man.

To their horror, Cloud attempted to meet a suitor dressed in male clothes one day in his own way of rebelling. They realized that action had to be taken immediately. Privately they met with the kingdom's resident evil witch and discussed which princess-locking-away tower would best suit their needs. They needed a challenge so great that no wannabe hero would ever come close to Cloud. Arrangements were made, and Cloud was soon shipped off to the middle of no where to his new, high security home. '_Perhaps it will be lonely,_' he thought to himself, '_but at least I will get to wear what I want._' That was a happy thought to a seventeen-year-old.

In a kingdom relatively far away, a prince named Squall Leonhart was suffering from a somewhat similar problem: his parents just didn't understand him. When he wanted more sword practice, he received dance lessons. When he insisted on being called Leon, everyone would revert to 'Your Highness', which he found to be twice as irritating as Squall.

But the worst punishment of all was the balls. Since Leon, (as we shall call him for his sake), refused to search for his own bride, his parents brought what seemed like every person of the female gender to him. The prince abhorred these dances. Leon was deadly handsome, and that was one of those facts of life. However, that presented Leon with a never-ending swarm of giggling, shrill-voiced girls who enjoyed draping themselves over him when they danced. He would escape one only to be cornered by another. Leon didn't even like girls. In fact, he wasn't attracted to anyone at all. He stood by the theory that the world was out to annoy him.

His parents were beginning to realize how feeble their attempts were. Sure they had hoped Leon would fall in love, but their realistic wish was for him to give in and just pick someone. Slowly they were learning how stubborn their son was. Frustrated and helpless as to what to do, they waited for a sign.

One day their daily news pigeon brought an interesting story. Amongst the many ads and classifieds attached to its leg there was a small article about a relatively far away kingdom that had shipped off its princess to a tower. The description of the princess and the challenge sold the king and queen. Within the next hour Leon had been sent on his way with the words: "Bring back this princess or don't come home at all, unless you can find someone else better!"

The prince rode for a week through what would be blazing deserts and fierce snowstorms, but since it was mid-fall the weather was quite pleasant. Leon was sure that he had never been more bored in his life.

At last he reached the tower. The puzzles and smaller challenges he found to be rather easy, contrary to the article. But the dragon... why, it was the most wondrous fight he'd had in a long while. They ended in a truce, with Leon promising not to slay him as long as he could duel with the creature again. The dragon complied and went about its way, happy to be relieved of his duties.

At last it was time to meet the princess who was now, by custom, supposed to be Leon's bride. He walked slowly up the stairs, as though that room at the top held his doom. He entered and moved to the bed, pulling back the curtain. There she lay, sleeping like an angel. Leon shrugged. Sure, she was more beautiful than any of the faces back at the court, but that didn't change the fact that she was probably going to make his life miserable. He leaned over, getting a clear view of her face, before... "Oi. Wake up."

A grin found its way onto the princess's face. "Not one for protocol, are you?"

Leon nearly jumped at the surprisingly low voice. Maybe he'd heard wrong. "What?"

"I'm glad." He suddenly found himself staring into the bluest eyes he'd ever seen. "I absolutely hate the standard "princess in a tower" protocol."

It was strange, but Leon actually found himself intrigued. "Elaborate?" He moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

Cloud sat up, sighing. "You see, no one really cares what I do up here or what I wear or anything, unless some guy comes and challenges the dragon." At this point his voice raised in speed and pitch as the sarcasm kicked in. He waved his arms around to exaggerate his words. "_Then_ I get to put on this pretty, pretty dress and lay here on the bed and look like an angel while I wait for my wonder knight in shining armor to ascend the stairs to sweetly kiss my lips and wake me from my slumber. Then we get married and live happily ever after!" He held the pose for a moment before he slumped, his arms flopping back on the bed. "Do you have any idea how _itchy_ this thing is?"

There was a long stretch of silence before Leon burst out laughing. Not a snicker, not a chuckle, but a good, hearty laugh. "You know, it sounds like you enjoy royalty as much as I do."

Cloud watched him curiously. "What's your story, then?"

Leon rolled his eyes. "Standard prince problems, or so I think. Parents want me married and decide to throw every girl in the kingdom at me. Though I truly think they're actually throwing them on me. I swear, 'personal space' is not a term in their vocabulary."

'_It's not like they really can help it,_' Cloud thought absent mindedly. '_He is incredibly sexy._' He froze. '_I'm not supposed to think that!_' A moment later he shrugged it off. Who cared? He had already thought it.

"I think my parents gave up on me though. The reason I came was because I can't come back without a bride. They actually kicked me out of the castle."

Blue eyes widened. "What? No!"

"I kid you not," Leon said with a shrug.

"That must be illegal."

"Not if you're the king and queen it isn't."

"Then you can change that when you're king."

"Oh no, I'm looking forward to kicking my son out of the house and locking my daughter in a tower. It's my life's ambition."

The two stared at each other for a moment before bursting out into laughter again.

"You know," Cloud said between his giggles, "breaking protocol is more fun than I thought. What's your name, oh great and banished knight?"

"Squall Leonhart. But please, call me Leon." He couldn't help the happy feeling when Cloud nodded. He was actually going to comply? "And you, poor, defenseless princess?"

"Cloud Strife."

"Well then Cloud, I think this might benefit us both in the end. It'll get us both out of tight spots, if you agree with the arrangement." Leon couldn't imagine a better situation. He liked this person. He found Cloud's presence enjoyable to be in, and it wasn't the squealing brat he'd been expecting. He even found the blond to be rather attractive, though for the sake of keeping the process as uncomplicatedas possible he'd do his best to ignore that.

Cloud's grin was suddenly replaced by a look of shame. "Um... there's actually, uh... I'm not supposed to... actually get married, or anything like that." When Leon didn't respond, he continued. "You see, I'm not really a, a princess..."

"What, are you really some random person off the street who thought this would be fun? That makes it even better, you know." Leon chuckled.

"No, no, not like that!" Cloud waved his hands in front of his face. "Not, it's more, uh, you see... I can't marry you because I'm..." he hung his head, eyes down, "a guy."

He wanted to. He really, actually wanted. Leon made him laugh. He made Leon laugh, and he found himself taking pride in that. He was glad that it was Leon who had come, but...

"But I thought you liked breaking protocol." Cloud slowly raised his eyes to see Leon's warm, yet mischievous grin and found himself smiling shyly back. "Now get your things together and put on something more comfortable than that dress of itches." He stepped outside for a moment out of courtesy. We aren't really sure why though, considering the situation had drastically changed.

When he re-entered, Cloud was staring at the floor again. "You know, I was thinking about it, and I don't think all protocol is bad."

Leon raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"Well..." Cloud fidgeted, a faint blush rising in his cheeks. "I'm still a little sleepy..."

It took Leon only a few seconds to stride over to Cloud, gently grasp the sides of his head, and pull him into the most brilliant kiss of the century. When he finally pulled back, he let one arm drop to the middle of Cloud's back and held him closely. "So, is the lovely Cloud awake now?"

"Mm, I think so," Cloud replied, still blushing wildly as he smiled. "Though if it's a long journey I'm likely to tire again."

Leon grinned. "Well, we'll have to take care of that, won't we?"

Cloud laughed softly. "You know, it's probably a good thing we're following a little protocol. Otherwise people would think this was some bizarre, twisted fairy tale."

"Let them think what they want!" Leon scoffed. "Those people wouldn't know truth if it bit them in the butt." And with that, the happy couple set off for Leon's castle through the lovely fall weather to surprise his parents.

Now, dear reader, is a time when I wonder if you felt something nip your rear end. Do you doubt my tale, or believe my words? Only your bottom will tell.

-o-

**Omg, what's this? IT'S OVER 2000? (words) THIS IS MY LONGEST FICLET YET! No wonder it took me so long... anyways, I hoped you enjoyed your story time. Don't you love crack? I believe everyone should have their daily dose of fiction crack. The good kind, of course. ****I'll write a ficlet for the first person who guesses what my favorite line in here is, but that only applies to people who I haven't told already. : D**

**Thank you for reading!**


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